Pessimism Loses AGAIN!

Dear Journal,

I am re-realizing that I am the narrator of this thing called life.
I tend to forget that it really is all in the "mental" and that I have
absolute power over whether or not a situation could bring me down.
Here is a story about a girl named Sharon, told in third person.


"27 is a great age to be!" She says to herself. There is a battle raging and it seems that sweet old Pessimism is winning the fight again.

"Oh yeah!" Says Pessimism, "Then why are you still stuck in your quarter-life crisis?! Its been 3 years Sharon! Shouldn't you have figured things out by now?"

"Yeahh... It has been three years, OR MAYBE EVEN MORE!!!" Sharon the optimistic says! "But what does it mean to 'figure it out?" Her fist is in the air and she is talking high pitched. "Why, doesn't it mean to progress?! Isn't it just a matter of realizing what it is that doesn't work and off getting rid of it? It is those things that don't work that hold you down right?! Like a broken wheel? It takes time to change the freaking wheel. And maybe it'll force you to have to take a break in life. But in the end, you'll go faster, smoother, and hopefully straight forward!"

HA! Sharon is squealing now. She hates her high-pitched voice. It always seems to give her away. Composure was never anything she was able to manage. If anything, Excitement and Impulse was more her forte'.

Pessimism is at the verge of another tantrum. She is known for that! She tries to win the battle by super-soaking Sharon with dose of Impatience!, "HA! But you and I know very well that you are a slave to IMPULSE! You have no will-power! You don't even know what it means to delay-gratification! In fact, JG Wentworth should be your spokes person bc when you want something 'YOU WANT IT NOW!"

Ugh! Sharon hates that retarded commercial! She wishes she could punch all those people... 'It's my money and I want it #WAhM#!!!' IN YOUR FACE!!!! Hahahaha" She is imagining it in her head... That would be awesome!

"Yes, that is true. But you know what! I am aware of it!!" Sharon isn't phased by Pessimism any longer. "For the longest time, Weakness and I didn't get along. But that is bc I never got the time to know her. Well you know what, she and I sat down and I found out that she isn't so bad after all... We made an agreement. She is going to stay a part of me to remind me that as long as I am aware of her, she won't get in my way... so HA!"

"Fine then... Be like that! I don't like you anyways... " Says Pessimism... "Misery likes company... I'll be back."

"Ohh... I know you will Pessy!" But don't be so surprised if I don't invite you in..."

Sharon brushes her shoulder off, and then the other one... She thinks to herself... "I love my life..." ha HA!

Liberation day...

I've decided that it is time to take life by the wheel, to shut my eyes, and to let my heart drive. I tend to think too much, ruminate too long, and over analyze things. I decided that it is time to stop looking for the reasons for why things are the way they are and to instead START LIVING consistently with a PURPOSE! And that purpose is “To let all my actions be a testament of my love for people, of my desire to do great things, and of the knowledge that it is ok to be FLAWED.”

I finally fully understand what it means to "Put myself first."
-It means to be kind to all those that put me down, but not to keep them in my life if I don't want them.

-It means to not allow people dictate to me 'who I am and what I should believe in', and at the same time to voice out my opinions with out fear that I will be rejected. If they don't stay, then good for me. I am better off not having them in my life to hold me down.

-It means to open up my heart . I know that in a world full of people that will drop me, betray me, and leave me, I AM ONE DAMN LUCKY PERSON TO HAVE THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY THAT I DO HAVE. They've seen my worst and still, they stick it through.

-It means to accept myself, love myself, believe in myself… and to SHUT that voice in my head off! It is my biggest betrayer! From now on, I am following my heart.

I’ve never felt more ready and EXCITED to be who I am … FINALLY…

What gives? Can't a woman pray and meditate in peace? Geezus!

A year ago, I decided that I desperately needed to find an outlet for all those inner demons that were festering inside of me. Years and decades of unresolved issues had made me become restless and anxious and at times depressed.

I decided to work on my faith! Coming from a Catholic background, I decided to first develop my "faith" where I was most comfortable with, the bible! I started reading it with lots and lots of skepticism in the back of my head. I never did fully embrace it, but later did learn to take bits and pieces of it and use them as "guidelines" to live life by. For example, I used it as a way to channel my stress and anxiety away from me. It helped me to believe that there was a higher being out there that "had my back."

Later on, I decided to publicize my "explorations" of faith. Many of my friends supported it and even offered to become my mentor. I was grateful for that. I was honest with them though when I told them "I don't know what I believe in, I just want to learn about the it first." The last thing I wanted was for someone to try to preach to me and force me to become what they were. Thankfully, my friends were undefensive, understanding, and genuinely just there to answer my questions as openly as they could.

Other people, though, started to label me and all of a sudden I felt like I was under great scrutiny. I was surprised about this part. It was almost as if, now that I declared to the world that I was "working on my faith" I, all of a sudden, was REQUIRED to follow the teachings of the bible down to the T! Any deviation from it made me a "poser", a "fake", a "bad person".

I was surprised about this because the reason why I turned to religion, in the first place, was to find inner personal peace. I didn't realize that my personal project would be everyone's project to "grade" and "critique". None-the-less though, I decided to keep on working at it.

I decided to explore other religious beliefs and started to take from them what I felt would work for me. For example, I started to explore the Taoist belief that in order to find peace, we need to flow with the energy of life. I am learning to meditate. (Prayer is much like meditating to me.) It was finally, at this point, through prayer and mediation, that I was able to find inner peace and strength. Prayer has helped me to ignore those voices that criticize me and to understand that "They don't mean to hurt me. They just don't understand me."

Prayer and meditation is helping me to face my demons head on. Its helped me to control my anxiety attacks, and sometimes my bout's of depression. I still don't have a firm grasp of what I believe in, but I finally decided to stop letting those that ridicule me, affect me. Faith is not black and white, or defined. It is what ever you believe it is to be.

Thank you to those that have helped me this far. As for the people that don't understand me, sit with me and ask me. I promise I won't try to elevate my self above you. You have your beliefs and I accept/respect that. And one more thing, I love you all regardless. =)

This is all for now folks! Thanks for listening to me vent! AAAARRGGGH!!! I feel better.

Cross road...

Im about to embark on a new move, a HUGE one... one that involves leaving the main land... I'll update you as I finalize my plans.


!!!!!


I really need to save money....

I need to be alone right now....

I really just want to be alone right now. There are things I have on my mind and I need to sort them out. I will let you know when things are figured out. Til then, I will be hand writing on my journals. I need the solitude... Someone made me so painfully aware that I was missing something and now, I need to figure out how to deal with it....

Bye for now.

-Sharon

p.s. This is a good thing =)

Andre the Giant..

Yesterday I beat the odds and today is a new day! Life is amazing and I want to document the beauty of it all. I bought my first SLR camera yesterday. I've wanted one for years but had put it off because of the usual excuse, "There will be next time." There most possibly would be a next time, but I want to live for the less than likely event that this is our last time.

I took it to the park yesterday and learned how to mount the lenses on my own haha.. I didn't know so much as to how to turn it on. I will get better though. Being a photographer, the world becomes a stage. All of a sudden, I am the on-looker and everything is trying to impress me. Its truly beautiful.

P.S. I have Leo to thank for this inspiration. His photographs are incredibly captivating. http://www.flickr.com/photos/herbiehancock00/

Feeling Funky...

I've been feeling depressed lately. I don't know what is causing it. I haven't had the motivation to do much more than get out of bed during these past 3 days.

I don't like this funk Im in. It IS about time I feel this way though. I was feeling overly positive before this phase.

ugh...

I feel like dead weight. What is it? I wonder.

I have a few theories but I don't want to publicly debate through them. Sometimes, we all just need time to ourselves. Ill be fine.

We all go through these gloomy days.